So I know I haven’t written anything in a few months and it’s because I was going through a rough patch in my life. I also apologize in advance for the lack of quality in my writing. I just need to express my feelings.
I’ve never been the type of person to get too overwhelmed over life’s bad happenings, but for some reason this time I was. I was consumed with all this negative energy and I always felt helpless. I would cry myself to sleep, I had insomnia, and I was depressed. I would think to myself, “what’s going on?” “what happened to the happy and cheerful person I used to be?” I was lost, I didn’t know where that person had gone. I couldn’t get myself up to go to the gym. I had no energy to go to school. I just wanted to lay in bed. No matter what I did or tried I couldn’t get myself out of this ‘rut’ my husband would call it.
No one ever thinks they will battle depression in their life because we as humans believe we are invisible. Let me tell you, we aren’t. We are all susceptible to any emotional disorder. I didn’t know how unhappy I was until I took a depression test online. I didn’t know what to believe because one can never believe what’s on the internet, you can google a cough then you’ll end up with lung cancer, it’s not a joke nor am I making fun. When I started reading the questions it was asking me I started realizing that I did have a problem. As I went through the questionnaire I cried and cried even more. I could no longer hold back the tears. So I googled some more and found some counselors that would be able to help me, I was terrified of calling and making an appointment for ‘depression’. I sent my sister a text, I wanted her opinion because I still had doubt and she had struggled from depression and anxiety. She told me I needed to make an appointment because she was worried for me.
I was so nervous to make the call. All I could think was, “what if someone I know works at the doctor’s office and I call and make an appointment for depression?”I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I felt so ashamed because I could not get over this without the help of medication. No one would ever know because I was so good at holding up a front. I never expressed my feelings to anyone besides my husband but even then he didn’t seem to worry. If you would ask any of my friends and/or family members if I ever displayed a depressive behavior they would say no. I could laugh at jokes but feel nothing at the same time. My medication has helped me. I am back in the gym and feeling better.
It’s hard dealing with something that most people don’t or won’t understand. Just because they have never experienced it themselves they don’t believe you’re not okay. Just because you’re not always able to physically see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Depression is depression no matter how it’s displayed.
If you’re worried about your state of mind or feel like you have symptoms of depression, get help. I promise it’ll be worth it.